JOKES AND FUNNY STORIES

[mckee1952]

AND THEY ASK WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT? 

Question:  How many days in a week?
Answer:    6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:    Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question:   How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:     Only one, but it might take all day.
Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:     There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called “Seniors”?
Answer:    The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:    Tied shoes.
Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:     They are the only ones who have the time
Question:  What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer:     NUTS!
Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:       They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question:   What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:     Normal
Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:    The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:    If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he  doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:    He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer:    Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

[mckee1952]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH
TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG
LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF
GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY  MORNING. THE GRANDSON DID THIS
 RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE
DIED.
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A
15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO
BE.

[mckee1952]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the F**ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.

[mckee1952]

 cop walks up to a car that's run off the side of the road into a ditch. he pulls the door open and helps the young blonde woman out. "ma'am, what happened?" he askes nervously. "I saw a tree, so I swerved to avoid it, but then I saw another. it kept happening till I hit the ditch, then the car stopped" the blonde said, sounding scarred. the officer looks up both sides of the road, then looks in the car. he imediatley notices the pine tree air freshner.
__________________
who wants to be normal?
it's no fun

[mckee1952]

*Obama wins Pulitzer Prize and Oscar to join his Nobel Prize *

In one of the most surreal and unusual days since the creation of the earth our President has been awarded both the Pulitzer Prize and an Oscar.

These awards will join his Nobel Prize on the mantel along with his numerous other awards including;

-Olympic gold medals for both the summer decathlon and the Winter Olympic medals in figure skating.

-MTV music award presented by Kanye West

-Grammy Award for thinking about writing a riff for a rap song

-Masters Green Jacket because everyone at Augusta National figured he would probably set a course record if he felt like it.

-Super Bowl MVP trophy because the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers assured everybody last year that Obama was chiefly responsible for their win

-Eagle Scout Award-for his efforts in encouraging "safe school czar" Kevin Jennings to take up scouting.

-Emmy Award for his innumerable television appearances

His Pulitzer Prize was awarded, stated the committee, not for any writing that he may have done, but because of the idea that he may write a book in the future and it would most assuredly be "one of the most profound works of literature since the Bible and Shakespeare."

The Oscar was for awarded for Producer, Director, Screenplay, and Best Picture for his work on home video he shot of the family at the Grand Canyon. A movie reviewed by the New York times to be a "seminal moment in cinematic history" that would "revolutionize the way we see a family exploring the inner workings of family desperately trying to save the world".

Some have said that Orson Wells may have plagiarized large portions of Citizen Kane in homage to the Obama movies of the past. While Steven Speilberg has stated that the Hussein family has inspired roles in several of his movies, most notably Hans Solo's companion and co-pilot whose name shall not be mentioned.

Still up for consideration for the Congressional Medal of Honor, Wimbledon championship trophy and of course NBA Player of the Year honours are left for later this week ...

[mckee1952]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be se en in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.   

[mckee1952]

In Washington, an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The White House and waited for a response.  Soon the word arrived; Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.  As they went to the hospital, Reid commented to Pelosi,

"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get us re-elected.  Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Reid's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Harry Reid spoke.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Reid.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same...."

[mckee1952]

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun

if he had a pet..

So he went to the pet store

and told the owner

that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,

he finally bought a talking centipede,

(100-legged bug),

which came in a little white box

to use for his house.

He took the box back home,

found a good spot for the box,

and decided he would start off

by taking his new pet

to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go

to church with me today?

We will have a good time."

But there was no answer

from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,

but he waited a few minutes

and then asked again,

"HowB about going

to church with me

and receive blessings?"

But again,

there was no answer

from his new friend and pet.

So he waited

a few minutes more,

thinking about the situation.

The guy decided

to invite the centipede

one last time.

This time

he put his face up against

the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey,B in there!

Would you like to go

to church with me

and learn about God?"

... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ...


This time,

a little voice

came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"

[mckee1952]

A man was  washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep  and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking  around, he realized that  they were stranded on a  deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into  the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach  every evening to watch the sunset.

 One  particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful  cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect  night for romance.

 As they sat there, the sheep  started looking better and better to the lonely man.  Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around  it.

 But the sheepdog, ever protective of the  sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from  around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued  to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more  cuddling.

 A few weeks passed by and, lo and  behold, there was another shipwreck.  The only  survivor was NancyPelosi.

 That evening, the man  brought Nancy  to the evening beach ritual. It was another  beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and  gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.  Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings'  again.

 He fought the urges as long as he could,  but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told  her he hadn't had sex for months.

 Nancy batted  her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do  for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog  for a walk?"

[mckee1952]

 Subject: How I Learned to Mind My Own Business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
~
~
~
~
Then they all started shouting '14.....14....14'...

[mckee1952]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
   he asks the biker his name.

   'dave,' he replies...

   'Dave what?' the officer asks.

   'Just dave,' the man responds.

   The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
   break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
   presses him for the last name.

   The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The
   officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
   me, dave, how did you lose your last name?'


   The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born dave
   Dingaling.  I know -- a funny last name.  The kids used to tease me all
   the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.  When I got
   older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college,
   medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
   Dave Dingaling, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
   decided to go back to school..  Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through
   school, got my degree, so then I was Dave Dingaling, MD, DDS.  Got bored
   doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
   gave me VD, so now I was Dave Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.  Well, the  ADA
   found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.  Then I was Dave Dingaling,
   MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because
   of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Dave Dingaling with VD.
   Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just dave.'


   The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[mckee1952]

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant..
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expan d proportionately as souls are added. 

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over..

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

[mckee1952]

 The Lone Ranger and Tonto called it a day after a long trek across the plains searching for a couple of bank robbers. After they got their tent set up, exhausted, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.”

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent!"

[mckee1952]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"That's the Commonwealth of Virginia , the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
forests, hills, and plains. The people from the Commonwealth of
 Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and
humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be
extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace,
and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington DC . Wait till you
see the idiots I put there."

[mckee1952]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER
TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7 IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.