JOKES AND FUNNY STORIES

[mckee1952]

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:

"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!")

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

[mckee1952]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde ..

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened... I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite
mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other..
I was hurtin', real bad and didn't want to move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said,
"How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"

[mckee1952]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

 

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

 

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

[mckee1952]

 Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
> trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
> because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
> calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
> The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were
> shocked
> to see Dave. He was already sitting on the
> dock , fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.
> His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go
> Dave?"
> Dave replied.
> Last night I came home and slumped down in my
> chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go
> fishing.
> Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
> 'Surprise'.
> When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
> through negligee and she said,  Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to
> the bed and you can do whatever you want'......
>
> SO I DID AND HERE I AM!

[mckee1952]

[cid:1397D7A6FCCB4E10AF3F4D0E95069488@PennellS]

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.  If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.  Get help immediately.

[Latitude 26]

lol 

[mckee1952]

What a Coincidence

                 A chicken farmer went to a local  bar, sat next to a woman,
and
                ordered glass of champagne.

                The woman perked up and said, How about that!  I just
ordered a
                glass of champagne,  too!

                What a coincidence, the farmer said.  This is a special day
for me.
                I'm celebrating.

                This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating,
said the woman.

                What a coincidence! said the farmer.

                As they clinked glasses, he asked, What are you celebrating?

               My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today
my
              gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!

               What a coincidence! said the man.  I'm a chicken farmer, and
for
               years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all
laying
               fertilized eggs.

              That's great! said the woman.  How did your chickens become
fertile?

               I used a different rooster, he replied.

              The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, What a
coincidence!

[mckee1952]

A sailor appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the sailor offers. "I came upon a gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The sailor replies, "Just a couple of minutes ago..."

[mckee1952]

Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past.



They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker.



The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options. The seats were of particular interest.



He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.



I stated the car must be a Republican car.


He asked why I thought it was a Republican car, and I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass year round.

[mckee1952]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

[cid:X.MA401233421878@aol.com]

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

 

[cid:X.MA411233421878@aol.com]
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 

[cid:X.MA421233421878@aol.com]
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 

[cid:X.MA431233421878@aol.com]
4. A dog's parents never visit. Ever......

 

[cid:X.MA441233421878@aol.com]
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 

[cid:X.MA451233421878@aol.com]
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

 

[cid:X.MA461233421878@aol.com]
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

 

[cid:X.MA471233421878@aol.com]
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 

[cid:X.MA48.1233421878@aol.com]
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

 

[cid:X.MA49.1233421878@aol.com]
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 

[cid:X.MA50.1233421878@aol.com]
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 

[cid:X.MA51.1233421878@aol.com]
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

[cid:X.MA52.1233421878@aol.com]
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
....14. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 
And last,
 but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[mckee1952]

Subject: : Southern Women


              Southern women know their summer weather report:
              Humidity
              Humidity
              Humidity

              Southern women know their vacation spots:
              The beach
              The rivuh
              The crick


               Southern women know everybody's first name:
              Honey
              Darlin'
              Shugah

              Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
              Fried Green Tomatoes
              Driving Miss Daisy
              Steel Magnolias
             Gone With The Wind

             Southern women know their religions:
             Baptist
             Methodist
             Football

             Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
             Chawl'stn
             S'vanah
             Foat Wuth
             N'awlins
             Addlanna

             Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
             Men in uniform
             Men in tuxedos
             Rhett Butler

             Southern girls know their prime real estate:
             The Mall
             The Country Club
             The Beauty Salon

             Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
             Having bad hair and nails
             Having bad manners
            Cooking bad food

            More Suthen-ism's:
            Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and
a conniption
            fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

            Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas,
            beans, etc., make up "a mess.

            Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of  yonder."

            Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:
"Going to
            town, be back directly."

            Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the
            white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little
bowl in the
            middle of the table.

          All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the
           term, but they know the concept well..

          Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a
          neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of
          cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis,
they also
          know to add a large banana puddin!

          Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a
          right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20

         Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference
between a
         redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

         No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn
         signal is actually going to make a turn.

         A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or
an adverb.

         Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're
         in line,"... we talk to everybody!

         Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related
         even if only by marriage.

          In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

           Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

          Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are
          perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
and that
          fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

         When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you
know you are
          in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

          Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates
          the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened.
          Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

         And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old
         ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her
heart" ...
         and go your own way.

         To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your
Southerness: Take
         two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning.
         Bless your heart!

        And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this
        Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have
       classes on Southernness as a second language!

        And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long
        time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads
"I ain't
        from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

       Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

       Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or
wish
       they had been! If you're a Northern transplant,bless your little
heart,  fake it.
      We know you got here as fast as you could.

[mckee1952]

Washington, DC -- July 21, 2009

Subj: Outsourcing, Pros & Cons -- you decide

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of Americawill be outsourced toIndiaas of September 1, 2009.
The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly
salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.



It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the
President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost
savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot
remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash
outlay," Reynolds noted.



Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices,Mumbai, India
will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh
was born in theUnited Stateswhile his Indian parents were vacationing
atNiagara Falls,NY. Thus making him eligible for the position. He
will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or
other benefits.


It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference
between theUSandIndia, he will be working primarily at night.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer
call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.
"I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be
fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this
should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues
either.


Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he
can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying
issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson.
"Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some
people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."


Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his
final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he
will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will
exceed the allowed limit.


Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower,
Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job
transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in
securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience
during his lifetime.


A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive
experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile

[mckee1952]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
 
 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
 
 Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
 
 Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
 
 The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
 
 Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
 
 She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
 
 She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
 
 (you're gonna love this)
 
 The bank manager looks back at her and says...
 
 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
 
 
 (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! <cid:658265DCCF8145A8BDA15CC1AA1808CF@Paul>
Have a lovely day
 
<cid:434F3C9EA3FA437F80C34E6A0C78B323@Paul>

HEEE HEEE!!!!! 

[mckee1952]

The  mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having  sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the   family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would  probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to  be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,  the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating  Susan!'
A  man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned  good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The  preacher said, 'No shit?'
Brenda  and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived  at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the  table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,'  Brenda replied.  'The rest are for your father.' 
 One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.  Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense..  'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
     A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .  'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining..  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'  After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
     Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'  Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'  'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'  Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

     Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'  A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

 

[mckee1952]

Regardless of what side of the Political Fence you're on... this is funny!
>  Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
>
>
>
>  Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found
> by posing the following question:
>
>
>
>  You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
> children.
>
>
>
>  Suddenly, an Islamic
>
>  Terrorist with a huge knife comes
>
>  around the corner, locks eyes with you,
>
>  screams obscenities, praises
>
>  Allah, raises the
>
>  Knife and charges at you.
>
>
>
>  You are carrying a
>
>  Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
>
>
>
>  You have mere seconds
>
>  before he reaches you and your family.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>  What do you do?
>
>
>
>  ...................................................................
> ......
>
>
>
>
>
>  THINK CAREFULLY AND
>
>  THEN SCROLL DOWN:
>
>
>
>  Democrat's
>
>  Answer
>
>
>
>
>
>  Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
>
>  Does the man look poor or oppressed?
>
>  Have I ever done anything to him that
>
>  would inspire him to attack?
>
>  Could we run away?
>
>  What does my wife
>
>  think?
>
>  What about the kids?
>
>  Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
>
>  and knock the knife out of his hand?
>
>  What does the law say about
>
>  this situation?
>
>  Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
>
>  Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
>
>  of message does this send to society and to my children?
>
>  Is it possible he'd be
>
>  happy with just killing me?
>
>  Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
>
>  he be content just to wound me?
>
>  If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
>
>  family get away while he was stabbing me?
>
>  Should I call
>
>  9-1-1?
>
>  Why is this street so deserted?
>
>  We need to raise taxes,  have
>
>  paint and weed day and
>
>  make this happier, healthier street that
>
>  would discourage such behavior.
>
>  This is all so confusing! I need to
>
>  debate this with
>
>  some friends for few days and try to come to a
>
>  consensus..
>
>
>
>
> ..................................................................................
>
>
>
>  Republican's
>
>  Answer:
>
>
>
>  BANG!
>
>
>
>
>
>  ........................................
> ..................................
>
>
>
>  Redneck's Answer:
>
>
>
>
>
>  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>
>  BANG !
>
>  Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
>
>  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>
>  BANG! BANG!
>
>  BANG! Click
>
>  Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
>
>  the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
>
>  Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
>
>  Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist
>