JOKES AND FUNNY STORIES

[mckee1952]

September 30, 2009 10:45 AM  Blonde In The Snowstorm

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her snowy situation. She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.

The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Home Depot next.

[mckee1952]

Hollywood Squares:
>
> These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall  was the host asking the questions, of course..
>
> Q.  Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
> A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later):  Loneliness!
> And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
>
> Q. Do female frogs croak?
> A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
>
> Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
> A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>
> Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
> A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>
> Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep.. Are you probably a man or a woman?
> A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>
> Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
> A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
>
> Q.. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
> A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>
> Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
> A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
>
> Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
> A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
>
> Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
> A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
>
> Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
>
> Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
> A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
>
> Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
>
> Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
> A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
>
> Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
> A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
>
> Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
>
>
> Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
>
> Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
> A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
>
> Q.. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
> A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
>
> Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
> A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
>
> Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
> A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
>
> Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
> A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
>
> Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
> A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
>
> Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
> A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
>
> Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
> A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
>
> Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
> A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
>
> WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
>
>
> WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING !!!

[mckee1952]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

  The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

  About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

  10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

  9.   Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

  8.   Viagra, Like a rock!

  7.   Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

  6   Viagra, Be all that you can be.

  5.   Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

  4.   Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

  3.   Viagra, Home of the whopper!

  2..   Viagra, We bring good things to life!

  And the unanimous number one slogan:

  1.   This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs

[mckee1952]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[mckee1952]

blonde joke......

as told by the blonde....

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the Trans Canada Hwy. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic started backing up.. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a Mountie pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

[mckee1952]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
 
Obama's health care plan will be written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it and whose members will be exempt from it, signed by a president who smokes, funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese and financed by a country that is broke.
 
How could it possibley go wrong.

[mckee1952]

Subject: Kids Are Quick

 

 

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find  North America.

MARIA:         Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered  America ?       
CLASS:         Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:         Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:         K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:         No, that's wrong
GLENN:         Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER:         Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:         H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:         What are you talking about?
DONALD:         Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:     Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:         Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:      Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:         Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:         Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I. '
MILLIE:         I is...
TEACHER:         No, Millie ...  Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:         All right ... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER:         George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted  it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:         Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER:         Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :         No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER:         Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:         A teacher

[mckee1952]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE:

'I NO COME WORK TODAY'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick .. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss  says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really  need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'  Two hours later Hung Chow calls again... 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon......You got nice house'

[mckee1952]

Never Argue with a Woman

 
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
 
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
 
The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
 
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
 
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
 
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
 

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
 

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
 

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
 

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
 
It's likely she can also think.

[mckee1952]

 Two old guys were chatting. One said to the other:
"My 75th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing.   Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

[mckee1952]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR
JOBS...



1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on
being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up
to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when
asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for
1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the
'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super
Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over
Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys
line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He
went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why
he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training
regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets
up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous
at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if
I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit
room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks
to me like you're spending too much time on one
subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford, 'I can
go to my left or right, I am amphibious.'

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked
by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
__________________
"Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
--W.C. Fields

[mckee1952]

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland .'

Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane.’

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of NikeJordan shoes.’

Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said,'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.’

[mckee1952]

 If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear Diary,
     For my birthday this year, my husband gave me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.   I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. 

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
  Started my day at 6:00 a..m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!  Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
  I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air  then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.  Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
  Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.  He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.  Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
  I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
   Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today... Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
   I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would  have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[mckee1952]

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill.....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'
 
 

[mckee1952]

Subject: DEPRESSION....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.

I called the Suicide Lifeline.




Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .


I told them I was suicidal. .....
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck