JOKES AND FUNNY STORIES

[mckee1952]

 A farmer went out one day and bought a brand newstud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
>
> 'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
> The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
> ALL of these chickens.
> Look what it has done to me
> Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
>
>
>
> The young rooster says,
> 'Beat it: You are washed up
> And I am taking over.'
>
> The old rooster says,
> 'I tell you what, young stud.
> I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
>  The young rooster laughs.
> 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
> So, just to be fair,
> I will give you a head start.'
>
> The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
> They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
>
>
> He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
> The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
> When he sees the roosters running by.
>
> The Old Rooster is squawking
> And running as hard as he can.
> The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
> - BOOM -
> He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
> 'Dammit......
> Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
> Moral of this
> Story? ....
> Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
> Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
> Always overcome youth and arrogance!
> OLD  DUDES RULE !!!!!

[mckee1952]

Did you know:

 

A.  That the words "race car" spelled backward still spell "race car"?

B.  That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

C.  And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that

[mckee1952]

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.


The Italian from New Jersey fumed,
'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the hell can't they play at night?

[mckee1952]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!
 
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
 
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and
noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him
and his truck gets wedged under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
 
SMART ASS ANSWER OF 2009 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for
you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it,
No other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly
at the student , shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
 
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says
to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

[mckee1952]

The stress reliever for the day.....

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a cat who stuttered'.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat when the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running

start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence and into our yard'.

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It was', said the little girl. 'My cat raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit', the Rottweiler ate her.

The teacher had to leave the room!!!

[mckee1952]

Poor old Tom

Bob was walking down the street and he saw his friend Tom walking towards him, Bob remembered that Tom had a real bad shuddering problem in the past and as he came up to Tom and asked how he had been, since he hadn’t seen him in couple of years or so. Tom tried to tell Bob, even though he was shuddering real badly, that he and Marylou had almost got married. Bob asked Tom why and what happened. Tom stood there for awhile and very slowly tried to tell Bob while he shuddered that, he and Marylou were setting on the porch one evening and they looked over at the dog by the steps and saw him scratching his back, and as Tom was trying to say to Marylou as he was shuddering “wouldn’t it be nice when you can do that to me”, but by the time I got it out the dog was licking his A**.

[mckee1952]

Subject: Best Blond Joke Ever
>
>A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners...On the way  out the door,the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says  "no its toothpaste this time you nosey bitch".

[mckee1952]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When..... 

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke

at the dinner table in front of her kids. 

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up

and down depending on how much gas is in it. 

3. You've been married three times and still

have the same in-laws. 

4. You think a woman who is out of your

league bowls on a different night.. 

5. You wonder how service stations keep

their rest-rooms so clean. 

6. Someone in your family died right after

saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'. 

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.   

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by

a ceiling fan.   

9. Your junior prom offered day care. 

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled

Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'. 

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your

 house exploded right off its wheels. 

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch

has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something

from the fridge. 

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 

15. You need one more hole punched in your

card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart

because there's a law against it. 

17. You think loading the dishwasher means

getting your wife drunk.

[mckee1952]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

 

In a Podiatrist's office:

 

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

*********** ***************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

******** ******************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff.."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary.. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[mckee1952]

The 1st Affair 
 

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She l ooked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful

 daughters
but always talked about having a son..

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen..

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schw artz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'

'What's t his?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer..

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[mckee1952]

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.   

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.   

As they went along they passed some people
who remarked that it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.



The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.





<aoladp://MA22579857-0004/file0024444.gif>   

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,

"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."



So they then decided they'd both walk!   

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.   

So, they both rode the donkey.


Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey.



The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.   

As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?




[http://groups.yahoo.com/group/fun_and_fun_only]

If you try to please everyone, 

you might as well just ...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

[mckee1952]

You Might Be a Redneck...A Different Take
 


You might be a redneck if:   It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'


You might be a redneck if:   You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if:   You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if:   You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if:   You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the
 
You might be a redneck if:   You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if:   You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if:   You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if:   You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if:   You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

[mckee1952]

They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------


*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where ? '

They walk among us!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning..
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north ? '
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.....'

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet ? '...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6 He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

[mckee1952]

Several years ago Curtis saw an ad in the Boston Daily News Newspaper and bought a sailboat for $1000 using his credit card.

The broker agreed to deliver the boat the next day.

The next morning the broker drove up and said, "Sorry, Curtis, I have some bad news, the boat sank last night."

Curtis replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The broker said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Curtis said, "OK then, just bring me the title."

The Broker asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with just the title?"

Curtis said, "I'm gonna raffle it off."

The Broker said, "You can't raffle off a title!"

Curtis said, "I shore can! Heck, I don't hafta tell nobody it sank!"

A couple of weeks later, the Broker ran into Curtis at the Marine Supply and asked.

"What'd you ever do with that title?"

He said,"I raffled it off like I said I wuz gonna do."

Curtis said,"Mate, I sold 500 tickets for twenty dollars a piece and made a profit of $8980."

The Broker said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the Mate who won got upset. So I gave him his twenty dollars back."

Curtis now works for the US Government.

He's overseeing the Bailout Program.

[mckee1952]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No.'

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'


Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'