JOKES AND FUNNY STORIES

[mckee1952]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked  "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes"

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well;
only two left."

Don’t mess with seniors

[mckee1952]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool??*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3.? OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known? as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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4.? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
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5.? There are three religious truths:
?? a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
?? b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the?Christian?faith.
?? c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or?Hooters
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6.?? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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7.? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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8.?? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they? just stale bread to begin with?
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9? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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11. ? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it? follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,?models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners? depressed?
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12.? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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13. ? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? ?
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14. ? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of? bald men?
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15. ? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?? toothpicks?
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17. ? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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18.? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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19. ? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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21. ? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't?zigzag?
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22. ? If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words?'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...
'THEIRS'? 

[mckee1952]

 9 Months Later ...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob . So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.



After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'



The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'Well she just died and left me everything.'

[Latitude 26]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked  "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes"

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well;
only two left."

Don’t mess with seniors

LOL i like that one.

[mckee1952]

A Kind Grand Father

               A woman in a grocery store happens upon a  grandfather and
               his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

               It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child
               screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle;
               same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

               Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
               voice: "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

               Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,
               "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here
                Hang in there, boy."

               At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
               Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
               don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

               Very  impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading
               his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my
               business, but you were  amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
               That whole time, you kept  your composure, and no matter how loud
               and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be
               okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

               "Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little shit's name is Steve."

[mckee1952]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I've some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[mckee1952]

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter's desk at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks there for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks.. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa 's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's George Washington's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Washington told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Barack Obama 's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[GordMay]

Yah, I've seen that joke aimed at every President since Truman, and it was probably old, and certainly not funny, even then.
George Bush Jr. wanted to change the Republican Party Emblem from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.

[Latitude 26]

i never pictured jesus as the "office" type he seems more like zen garden type, you know you have appointment with him and you show up he's sitting there in his robe cross legged with some lavender burning.

[mckee1952]

 I think I understand the problem with our government.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name f the town?'' Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. Ater some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

[GordMay]

... I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

Indeed, you do seem to spread the manure.
Of course, like most of your bull, none of it’s true.      

[mckee1952]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together
in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with
Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So
Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk
if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!'  Donald quacked,

 
'I'll thuffocate'

[GordMay]

Have a strong opinion on a hot-button issue, but just don't know how to share it with others? Maybe you don't have an opinion at all? Don't worry, lots of people on the Internet do have strong opinions on a variety of topics, from politics, to religion, to what to have for dinner. And, thanks to the magic of e-mail, all you have to do to take a stance on an issue is forward someone else's thoughts - after all, that's actually a lot easier and safer than having an opinion of your own.

I never meant to say that the Conservatives are generally stupid. I meant to say that stupid people are generally Conservative. I believe that is so obviously and universally admitted a principle that I hardly think any gentleman will deny it.
by John Stuart Mill,  in a letter to the Conservative MP, Sir John Pakington (March 1866).

[mckee1952]

 INTERESTING STUFF


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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.


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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.


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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.


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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.


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Coca-Cola was originally green.
< font size="3" color="black" face="Arial">

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.


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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:


Alaska


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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)


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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%


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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age


Of eleven:


$ 16,400


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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
< /div>


61,000


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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.


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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.


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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.


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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:


Spades - King David


Hearts - Charlemagne


Clubs -Alexander, the Great


Diamonds - Julius Caesar


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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321


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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.


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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.


0A
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace


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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?


=0 A
A. Obsession


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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?


A. One thousand


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20
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?


A. All were invented by women.


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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?


A. Honey


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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?




 


A. Father's Day


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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.  When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight'


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It was the accepted practice in&n bsp;Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.


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In English pubs, ale is o rdered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'


It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'


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=2 0


Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.


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At least 75% of people who read this will20try to lick their elbow!


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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN  2009  when


1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


20
6.. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )


12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.


13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[mckee1952]

Words to live by

This speaks for itself, sadly.

 

Great Orators of the Democrat Party

  'One man with courage makes a majority.' 
-  Andrew Jackson

  'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.' 
-    Franklin  D.   Roosevelt

  'The buck stops here.'
-  Harry S. Truman

'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'

-          John F. Kennedy





And  from today's genius Democrats.............. 


'It depends what your definition of 'sex' is?'' 
-  Bill Clinton

'That Obama -- I would like to cut his NUTS off.'
-  Jesse Jackson

  'Those rumors are false .... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.' 
-  John Edwards

'I invented the Internet.'
- Al Gore

'The next person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my  rosary  beads up their A**'
-  Joe Biden

' America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was....uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.'
-  Barack Obama

'I have campaigned in all 57 states.
-  Barack Obama   (Quoted 2008)

'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.'
-  Nancy Pelosi     (Quoted 2006)

'Paying taxes is voluntary.'(Hullo!)
-  Sen. Harry Reid

'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know.  No one is more faithful,  true, and honest than he.'
-  Hillary Clinton     (Quoted 1998)

HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY? 


''Life's tough ........ it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' -- John Wayne